Tenuous

My aunt fainted today. Exhaustion, stress, the burden of daily life compounded. She collapsed in my arms and I felt afraid. It was the first time I witnessed a person fainting. Got to get to sleep, need to take cousins to school tomorrow morning.

Moving Forward.....

So the doors to Georgetown is closed at the moment, and I can finally move on to my next endeavor. I don't know where to begin, but I may end of jumping onto a campaign. Maybe help Marilyn in Tacoma and Justin with Mallahan's campaign? Regardless, I need to finish my last five credits for UW.

Reading Dreams from My Father has kept me stable and hoping for the past month. I wonder where my own dad is, if he ever had the intention of looking for his children. Regardless, I will see him one day, but not until I am ready--stable, finished with school and when I'm ready to talk to him face-to-face like an adult. I wonder how life would be now if I hadn't met the Senator? I would have another direction, probably, but my interest in politics would still be there. What has he altered? My confidence in my faith? The desire to find my father? To reconcile? To aspire? I am beginning to get tired of hiding from my extended family. I dreamt that I was at a Korean restaurant with Hannah. I walked in and I was speaking English to Hannah and the hostess grabbed my hand and began insulting me. I said in Korean that the way she was treating me was unfair but her grip on me became stronger and I wriggled to free myself from her prying hands.

Maybe this is a precursor, a premonition? I need to prepare myself, but how do you fully prepare for rejection? No person is ever ready to be rejected. The greatest example of perseverance amongst adversity that I know of is Jesus, with Mandela in a close second. I thought I had it all figured out...Georgetown, coming out to family, and then moving on with my life. I guess the Divine had other plans. If there is one thing I ask, it is for him to transform the pain and loneliness into a commitment, where the experience becomes a mandate for good, the trajectory for ambition and objective. The dream may be a premonition, but the lesson is not to fear rejection but rather to embrace it, for rejection will refine my goals and transfix my vision for humanity.

No more..

Mr. Obama,

Please invest more in clean technology. $150 billion is a start but we need that each year. Also, give Berlusconi and Klaus a big pat on the back and tell them to retire.


Sincerely,

David

Resilience

Does it come naturally/free flowing from the tip of my tongue/to the depths of my soul
chopped/blocked/blotched/it gives way
to free rhythm/raw and unstained.

I came in this cafe to intentionally vent on my blogspot, but I'm already exhausted. The black girl's soul is full of contradictions and maybe because of that's what attract me to the Beauty. The way her Grace is mixed with her internal repressions. Maybe it's just resilience--the fact that she cannot be evaluated, understood by the general eye. Don't doubt me, I don't know what if feel like to be black in America, but I too come from a different angle--being the son of immigrants and a gay Asian American. Those three words do not confine me, they refine me.

"perhaps for the final time, that notions of purity--of race or of culture--could no more serve as the basis for the typical black American's self esteem than it could for mine. Our sense of wholeness would have to arise from something more fine than the bloodlines we'd inherited." Dreams from my Father (204)

That race or culture is an excuse to the problems of minorities has a hidden meaning. A black women going into a Korean hair product shop and being stared at is a deeper, more philosophical way of saying,"I'm as inundated by media's portrayal of blacks as the next person," or "looking at you is something that is socially constructed and I don't mean to, but shoot, I have my own language barrier to deal with and I don't want to be taken advantage of either." These are the words that are so often exchanged in the subtle gestures of the every day minority.

Yet, commonalities bridge differences. Instead of a glance, what about a "herro" in broken Korean English or a smile from the University student who's shopping? Doesn't the subtlest of gestures break the tension of the moment--builds trust?

To collect my thoughts I have commonalities I share with others. The Asian 'other-ness', the tingle of joy we feel every time a young lesbian couple expresses their affections as any normal couple does in the middle of the street, of the sadness when we see a child and reality hits us--I can't legally have one with my partner. The sadder we are, the more cohesive our goals become because they are ingrained in our struggles, our perseverance, our resilience.

Prague...Week 3

My time here has been so far a mixture of personal conflicts and academic growth. The classes on post-Commuism are intriguing, especially since many of the leaders involved in the revolutions are still alive. The president is considered a closet-gay and is an controversial internationally for his views on anti-global warming.

I've been on a rigorous workout regime this past week...five days. The gym is a stress reliever but more importantly, it releases negative attitudes I have been carrying throughout the day. Yesterday was a peculiar case because I met Adrian. We locked eyes for ten seconds and during transitions onto other workout machinery, we locked eyes several other times. There was a lot of testosterone in that room. Afterwards I went to the locker room and he followed me inconspicuously. Right behind me, he took off his clothes and I went to go wash up...then someone else appeared!

I left, got a protein shake at the bar and waited for Adrian to come out. Out of the gym, I formally introduced myself and we rode the tram to TESCO, a shopping mall where I gave him my card and told him to stay in contact. He was from Slovakia working as a civil engineer in Prague. Anyway, I was relieved he spoke some English.

Slavek works for the Ministry of Foreign Affairs in Prague. Very articulate, clean cut, and intelligent, he gives tours on his free time to make some extra cash. We had discussions on gay rights, feminism, China's censorship and human rights abuses and his trepidation about Chinese overpopulation! The Czech Republic is a non-religious country where seventy percent of its population claim to be agnostic or atheist. Thus, there is a strong separation of church and state and more respect for individuality and domestic partnership was passed three years ago.

On a different note, North Korea fired seven ballistic missiles on July 4, a symbolism of defiance against the U.S. for its increased scrutiny and Res. 1874. Either way, the U.S. is importing anti-missile artillery to South Korea for increased security. Kim Jong Un will probably come to power soon, with recent prospects on Jong Il's ailing health.

Speaking of Independence Day, the Korean family on the front of the NY Times this morning reminded me of my family when I was little (given that Joy and I were only toddlers in NYC). The little girl with a headband and two American flags slinging over her head reminded me of Joy and the boy wrapped in his mothers arm reminded me of me. Hope hopeful mom was of the American Dream then, in the midst of her problem and insecurities. I believe that she is for the first time, taking a hopeful look at what America has to offer her through her education. The government is partly funding her to go to school so she feels like her country is investing in her, a feeling which distances itself from most immigrants.

I like to that my country for values we instill in education.

Prague Week 2

“As it was, I learned to slip between my black and white worlds, understanding that each possessed its own language and customs and structures of meaning, convinced that with a bit of translation on my part the two worlds would eventually cohere. Still the feeling that something wasn’t quite right stayed with me, warning that sounded whenever a white girl mentioned in the middle of a conversation how much she liked Stevie Wonder, or when a women in the supermarket asked me if I liked baskeball; or when the school principle told me I was cool.” (82)

“Whatever he decided to do, it was his decision to make not yours, and because of that fundamental power he held over you, because it preceded and would outlast his individual motives and inclinations, any distinction between good and bad whites held negligible meaning.” (85)

The term homophily lingers over my head like a constant storm. The stares I get when I walk down the street, the constant voices I hear saying, “why aren’t you in your place? Shouldn’t you be helping your parents at the grocery store or staying quiet at least when you enter the subway?” their glances say.
That’s what it feels like to be Asian in Eastern Europe. Because of their inward history, their lingering residue of fear, mistrust, poverty, and authority, they express a stern, steady gaze whenever they see me. Sixty-six percent of Czechs prefer not to live next to a Vietnamese person. “They’re taking away our jobs,” “they look different than us, “or “they stick to themselves,” has its place among the Czech people. The Georgian girl at the café knows how it feels. Nazar, my fellow Ukrainian brother knows its. I wonder if Sean knows it, but if he’s just denying it, deflecting himself with his Stanford pedigree.
I look at Benjamin. He’s cute, built, handsome and black. I would like to kiss him to see how it feels to kiss a black man. That would be tokenization, exploitation at its finest. Yet, how else do I get rid of this fear? Yes, the fear is rational: one out ten black men in the U.S. (18-29) are in jail. One in three have a criminal record. Black still lag behind other minorities, except Latinos, in personal income. The fear is instilled and will be overcome.
Yes, black women have it too. Ashley tells me how she’s followed by the eyes of the Korean women as she cautiously shops the aisles of the hair supply store (L.A. riots anyone?) Rachel: calm, cool and collected, doesn’t downplay the racism she feels on the UW campus. Vanessa carries a heavy load of past hurts that she carefully bandages through her personality and wit. Yet, I carry it. Our generation carries it.
The stare I get from Michael, the Czech at the gym, as I speak English instead of Chinese, is oh so familiar. Gays are even worse. The bar Escape was full of men who wanted just that, or probably saw the world through a veiled lense. The portly, bald guy gave me a full Chinese Buddhist bow to apologize after my little escapade coming back from the washroom after he spilled his drink all over the floor. In my mind, I wanted to say,” go fuck yourself, you ignorant, closeted bitch.” It feels good to release my inner vocabulary after so many years of repression. Sometimes, you just have to say fuck (though I wish for the day when I don’t need to use it any longer.)
Being gay and Asian, I walk the Prague nightclub with apprehension, but a bit of excitement. At the core, I am American and sometimes I take advantage of that fact. I look over a person, feeling I am somewhat superior for having unlimited access to Dreams.
Jesse asked me if I would fight for Korea or the U.S. if they ever went to war with each other. I hastily gave the answer: the U.S., because I’m American. That fact is something I cannot deny any longer and one in which I am not confused about. Being American is a mindset, says Mark Smith, it’s a way of thinking. My parent’s thought enough to know that they wanted me to be American: to have the full right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness; to have unlimited access to education, opportunities, and privileges that their own country could not give them, even through they believed in their country to the core of their existence. They sacrificed the humiliation, isolation, and hard-earned title of immigrants to ensure my liberty and happiness. My family dreams for me, about me, and through me. The see the American Dream manifest itself every time a barrier they could not cross has been penetrated by me. This gives me Pride, but a distant sorrow lingers for I know the chance of their situation changing is minimal. They have to stay where they’re at so I can excel, at least for the moment. They are entitled to it, but they choose to live it through us.

Prague's Charm and Venom

Two cities I've always wanted to visit. Every American can say that! The nature of today's blog will be somewhat personal since it reflects two weeks of stored memories and experiences. Also the topic and race will come up in the sense of how social constructions are created in post-Communist Slavic countries.

First, the Czech Republic is a country of ten million, bastardized by generations of fighting, imperialism and usurpation (Hitler's Sudetenland). Czechs are thus, very nationalistic and homogeneous, as would be expected. There exists many minority groups, the largest being the Roma (gypsies), Ukrainians, and Vietnamese. The recession has caused unease among racial tensions. A recent NY Times article states that 66 percent of Czechs did not want to live next to a Vietnamese and the government started a program to repatriate immigrant workers back to their home country, giving then $700 and a one-way airline ticket. About 2000 workers have taken up this offer, but the rest prefer to stay and ride it out.

The Czech Republic was part of the Hapsburg empire then split into former Czechoslovakia after WWI. After Hitler annexed the country after claiming the Sudetenland as an integral part of Germany, it stayed under the control of the Germans until WWII ended. Then it was a free-liberal democracy for a few decades, until it went under Soviet satellite rule until Communism's demise in 1989. To repeat nonetheless, Czechs have a strong national identity through their history.

Now, stepping aside from history, I will get personal. I had an identity crisis for the past three days. A large part of this experience comes from visiting the gay clubs. First since not many Czechs speak English, communication is not an option. Wherever I go, I try not to let my tokenization affect my behavior or attitude, but for the first time, I felt very vulnerable not being able to fit in. My exoticism turned to isolationism! Nonetheless, I met Benjamin, a cute doctor from LA who travels to Europe several times a year to experience the gay scene. A graduate of USC, he practices internal medicine and travels a lot on his free time.

When I got lost, I met Laurance, a Swedish family doctor, to whom I asked directions to Valentino, the oldest gay club in Prague. He was just as lost as I was so we walked together talking about America's crumbling health care system and how taking a Swedish model may help. The Swedes always stay out of trouble!

For two nights straight, I came home and cried. I shed infrequent tears, but those two nights were tears collected through months of pain and loneliness. I think of Mr. X and Y from time to time, but I wasn't ready then. Maybe I'm ready now?